Shubha Mangala-Nuptial Musings

Shubha Mangala

Nuptial Musings

2012-the end of the world, they told us. And it looked like it because people around me were getting married left, right and center. That was still ok. I was stunned when my father told me it is time for me to think of getting married!

Now that we are all of the “marriageable” age, my friends and I have discussed it over a thousand times. Almost each one of us has a different opinion about it. Everytime we talk about it the scene looks similar to one of the sessions of parliament. Each one of us tries to convince the other. And at the end of it, we hold on to our opinions the way a fanatically religious man swears by his holy book!

One of my friends, a girl, let us call her A, is of the opinion that we should leave it to our parents. They will look for a good life partner for you. And if something goes wrong, you can obviously blame it on your parents! Now, I must tell you the premise behind her judgment. A and I (that is me, and not a third person “I”) are of similar nature. Two words in English literature were invented only to define us: demanding and possessive. So, the men we will marry are definitely going to have “one hell of a time!” Literally. “Why not let our parents do the dirty job of finding guys for girls like us!” is her argument.

There is this guy, who says, don’t think about it! At this point, it is my duty to tell you this guy’s story. He has a girlfriend but his parents won’t let him marry her- the girl is from a different caste. The guy tried convincing his parents but they would not budge. He gave in and his new mantra is: Don’t think about it. Don’t think about your marriage! I liked his advice, I gave it a shot. It felt like taking up board exams without any preparations whatsoever! I cannot “not think” of my marriage!

One friend almost convinced me. He says, all this is c*&#p. Nothing in life is as important as your work. I agree with him (For those of you who do not agree, let us save that argument for another blog J). Stop all this nonsense & work, is what he says! Forget about marriage. I think it is a good idea. But I wonder if a human being can ever escape sex, love and other emotions! So with or without marriage, you have to go through it. Then why not get married!

A few of my friends are preparing themselves for what I call as “the Indian pre-nuptial parade”. They have decided to get their marriage “arranged”. “It has a beauty of its own” they say.

As for me, I am a staunch believer in not getting marriage arranged. I won’t say I am a staunch believer in “love marriage” either.  

Let me explain.

It is about the process. For me to get married to a person, I may not be in “love” with that person. But it is important for me to know the person personally. An arranged marriage does not permit that luxury. In an arranged marriage, you may know what the person does for living, you may know how is he/she perceived socially, you may know a lot about that person’s family. But you can never know how the person is within the four walls of his house.

I can spend the rest of my life with a person only if I respect the values that he believes in. How does someone expect me to understand a person’s values in three or four meetings? Not being a movie buff, it is funny that I should be reminded of a movie right now- “Jaane tu ya Jaane na”. I am not a great fan of the movie but that movie has an important lesson that we might miss. The girl meets a guy. He is smart, rich and strong! He is everything she had asked for. The girl is completely smitten by the guy. They stay together for sometime until one day the guy finds out that the girl is in love with her best friend. He slaps her then and there! In 2-3 meetings all that you can know is that the guy is smart, rich, funny, intelligent, witty! It takes time to know the value system of the other person.

And is it not about sex also? I cannot think of sleeping with a person who does not have belief in my values! Let me explain this by quoting one of my favorite authors, Ayn Rand:

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to a woman who reflects his deepest version of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience- or to fake- a sense of self esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer-because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut.”

I will keep looking for the man who has faith in my values. I will consider myself the luckiest person alive if I find a person who has the same values as my mine!

And the day I find you, baby I will be all yours, for life! J

 (This article is dedicated to Deepthi Ranjith, who got married on 28^th of May,2012 and those from BD ’10-’12 who will get married soon. Cheers! May you live the marriage of your dreams!)